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This past Christmas, I was staying in the French countryside, an area that appeared exuding refined charm. Elegant, shimmering illuminations, market stalls piled high with beautifully vibrant fruit and vegetables, and such an abundance of fromage capable of clogging the whole Eurotunnel with dairy fat. Heaping dishes of lustrous seafood on ice glimpsed through steamy café panes. As I watched a lengthy yet well-mannered queue of elegant residents retrieving their handmade yule logs, I felt a traitorous thought, that my home town, York, which becomes a present-day version of a scene of decadence over the holidays featuring vape pens in festive pie flavours and ready-to-drink concoctions, might benefit from several tips.

The Sophisticated Front

However all this “art de vivre” stuff is merely a refined front – France succumbs just as easily to its lowest desires as the rest of us. Merely enter any grocery store and the truth is revealed. The crisp aisle stands as a monument to decadence, lined with the likes of blue cheese, spiced bean patty, Flemish stew and savory dairy fat flavours. Who eats a fried potato snack flavoured like dairy spread? It is reminiscent of an item typical of the notorious American fairs where they submerge butter patties in hot oil. An entertainer recently claimed they’re the best crisps she has ever sampled, though she has clearly fallen victim to a form of regional conditioning – her formative years were in Brittany.

International Unregulation

It is widely understood the snack flavour business across the globe is as lawless and unregulated as big tech. There is a refusal to let potato be potato, embellished as it should be by a simple, respectful sprinkle of sodium. Our own nation possesses a dark history regarding chip varieties across Britain, notably around Christmas. Not long ago, it should be remembered, bestowed upon us festive-spiced tortilla chips and exclusive steak-and-pâté flavoured chips. Furthermore, who can erase the memory of that time a major retailer believed “sparkling wine and seasonal fruit” constituted a desirable taste for a savoury snack? But I thought better from the home of haute cuisine.

Where does it end? *Pâté*-flavoured snacks? Profiterole? Gauloises? I should stop, before I accidentally suggest the next big thing.