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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.